As a metaphor for the
World-at-Large we present Mormon Haplessness
It's a Religion Making Business
Prophet's heavenly projection
Joseph Fielding Smith Institute of Latter-day
Statisticians and Scholars alike agree: Given the elapsed
time since the Death of Joseph Smith there has been adequate motive and opportunity
for Joseph, with the help of his spiritual wives, to have overpopulated an entire
planet by now. It would be enlightening to know if a planet overpopulated by Mormons
would find their fate to be in the hands of a Prophet that can deliver happiness
when there is standing room only.
The Joseph Fielding Smith Institute LDS
History promises more funding for research into the field of Statistical Analysis
regarding probabilities of Joseph Smith's Heavenly experiment and its potential
Of course there is no way of knowing for sure, there is only statistical
probability and the law of attraction; there is no hard data to retrieve but the
likelihood of bliss in Mormon Heaven would be informational for the Melchizedek
Priesthood, apostles and devotees expecting to join him in their quest to populate
Starting with the base number of thirty-three agreed upon spiritual
wives the Joseph Fielding Smith Institute of Latter-day Saint History has calculated
the number of offspring to be between thirteen and twenty-one billion Mormons
on the planet where Joseph Smith is Lord.
we stooped to stand from a crawl. . .
have much to interpret.
There should be a picture of Darwin here
review: Mythological Saga
Twain inside the Mormon Brain
a trip out West, Mark Twain picked up The Book of Mormon (BOM) to while away the
travel time. He didn't think much of its literary value, but he did find it an
unusually effective cure for insomnia:
"All men have heard
of the Mormon Bible, but few except the 'elect' have seen it, or, at least, taken
the trouble to read it. I brought away a copy from Salt Lake. The book is a curiosity
to me, it is such a pretentious affair, and yet so 'slow,' so sleepy; such an
insipid mess of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed
this book, the act was a miracle -- keeping awake while he did it was, at any
rate, miraculous. If he, according to tradition, merely translated it from certain
ancient and mysteriously-engraved plates of copper, which he declares he found
under a stone, in an out-of-the-way locality, the work of translating was equally
a miracle, for the same reason.
His book seems to be merely a prosy detail
of imaginary history, with the Old Testament for a model; followed by a tedious
plagiarism of the New Testament. The author labored to give his words and phrases
the quaint, old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation
of the Scriptures; and the result is a mongrel -- half modern glibness, and half
ancient simplicity and gravity. The latter is awkward and constrained; the former
natural, but grotesque by the contrast. Whenever he found his speech growing too
modern -- which was about every sentence or two -- he ladled in a few such Scriptural
phrases as 'exceeding sore,' 'and it came to pass,' etc., and made things satisfactory
again. 'And it came to pass' was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would
have been only a pamphlet."
has since been posthumously baptized successfully and is now in Mormon Heaven
along with many of his favorite detractors they joke a lot about
the meaning of life posthumously.
trompe l'oeil Dogmatology:
are still spinning the use of doctrine to explain the ancient hackneyed phrase
"And it came to Pass," but
for a good part, the Book of Mormon sounds "Bibical"
Joseph Fielding Smith institute continued:
Prophet's heavenly projection
Mormon Environmentalism: concerns
There is some dispute as to the number of wives, thirty-three may be off the mark;
six degrees of separation would imply 60 sisterwives to be the magic number. Further
archival research by, the Joseph Fielding Smith Institute of Latter-day Saint
History, scholars are aiding the mathematical / statistical number crunching for
a, later to be published, paper on Latter-Day-Saint finding.
There may be
some ammunition for the fledgling Environmental movement in the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints.
United: God's Army on the march through faith
Mormon Forum on tour, Nephi Trail to the Glory of Zion
There are rumblings of
overpopulation and environmental degradation in the prophet's own back yard. "How
could so many Mormons live in the same place at the same time, what would they
live on, eachother, there are no gentiles to convert?" Mormon Environmentalists
agree, Joseph Smith is far busier multitasking in Heaven than he ever was on Earth.
There is cause for alarm among the true faith believers claiming, Mormon Dogmatologists
know, "If The Earth is like a rubber ball and will bounce back then the cosmos
must be just like Planet Earth and it will bounce back too."
of doubt continues: Further exploration of this topic will enlighten the mormon
environmentalist discussion of Gnostic Mormonism with with Scientific
News (Salt Lake City)
On the Religion Making Business
Editor's Note: On the sacred
It has been observed by many historians and theologians that if the phrase, "And
it came to pass" were replaced by the phrase, "Once upon a time,"
the readability of the (BOM) Book of Mormon would be greatly enhanced.
Example: 'Once upon a time, with golden plates in tow, Angel Moroni fluttered
his wings and flew up and away as the clouds parted for his passage unto the Lord's
domain; a deep booming voice could be heard echoing from above, as he assended,
the booming voice repeated again and again, "Come hither Moroni. Come hither
As can be seen the essential content of text is perserved but
the reader is further engaged by sparking the imagination and imbuing a sense
of wonder; even a Perfidious Angel can engender endearment.
[Disputed count of "It Came to Pass" 1,381 times verses 1,353 times
makes for decrepit anomalies over and over but the salient content remains the
same regardless of the tally.]
the low count, makes statistical news.
With the phrase, "it came
to pass" recurring only 1,353 times, comprising a total of 6,675 words, and
represents only 2.5 percent of the content of The Book of Mormon, yet still The
BoM (Book of Mormon) remains the most redundant and hackneyed text ever written.
The centerpiece is
Johnson's translation of BOM is the spin to make a lively and accessible translation,
which, perhaps despite his intentions, could conceivably entice new converts to
the Mormon Church through hypnotic persuasion and numbing redundance in passages
that require a leap of faith that's too great for a gentile to appreciate.
Under Johnson's studious and faithful editorship, The Book of Mormon becomes a
thrilling and briskly paced mythological saga of redundant unknowability . . .
The Newest Zion Pyramid Scheme
growing the faith
Pyramids of Cheops, Cairo Egypt
Mormons have proposed to the Council of Antiquities in Cairo a bold idea, to rehabilitate
the Sphinx of the Cheops to conform to a revisionist historical view of the world.
Beyond Postmodern, the project is touted to increase visitorship to Egypt and
its historic sites. It is said to target an untapped market for both psudoscience
and mythology for the prophet. The dollars discussed are substantial.
present the Cairo Museum is doubtful of the success of the project, however, the
proposal is on the table and if there are the funds it will be done.
part of the project, the missionaries have insisted on replacing the traditional
camel tours with tours in two-wheeled carts (Mormon Handcarts) to be pushed and
pulled by young Mormon Missionaries. The carts are to symbolize the Great Western
Mormon Migration to Salt Lake City of the 185o's.
the Implication of finding
Mirror Planets, Enigma Quadrant
Mirror Planets Confirmed:
Fitting doctrine to destiney will be a stretch if it is verified that the Planet
KOLOB and Planets OLIBLISH and ENISH-GO-ON-DOSH are infact locked in slave orbits.
The doctrinal implications of having two sets of planets on which God lives sets
into play another form of theology. Mormons are prepred for such occasions as
the Prophet here on Earth will be able to divine the proper place to direct worship.
To ward off untoward interest, most of the revelation is being kept in strict
Sphinx, Joseph Smith Monument: Mormon Zeitgeist, Anachronistic Apologetics are
born to to explain and re-explain while the world moves on to deal with the real,
knotty problems of existence for our species.
Mormon Pyramid Scheme Mormon Dharma
Pyramid Schemes: Sphinx rehabilitation Joseph Smith revisionist
history and tourist dollars, growing the religion making business.
A suitable wonder
with cringing and
gnashing of teeth
often wonder of the Mormon Movement and its use of Masonic thinking rendered through
the mind of a grave robber; Masonic ritual and symbol co-opted to serve another
power beyond inquiring thought and social intercourse for the common good. We
must wonder of the common good "When the prophet has spoken the thinking
has been done."
and Masonic Influence in Early Mormonism
to the outside world is rooted practice within Mormonism, Masonic-borrowed oaths
of loyalty and obedience to the tribe secures the duped into a complicity; an
arrangement for rewards never to be collected . . .
is like a rubber ball and will bounce back."
for the dead
More Mormon Posthumous Baptisms
News Press Release:
Milton Friedman Conversion Complete
LDS news, June 10, 2007, Mormon Tabernacle Announcement:
successfully converted and baptized Milton Friedman to the true faith posthumously.
"Milton Friedman is now where he belongs, Mormon Paradise. Milton Friedman
has pierced the veil, now passed into the radiance of Mormon Heaven. The 'invisible
hand man' is now doing his most powerful work now that he is one of us."
parson Carson Gallant Charoot
from the Beyond
Milton Friedman Speaks:
From the beyond. Milton Freidman communicates to his medium, here on Earth, Tom
Friedman, shill for Globalization, the Classified Meritocracy and the Flat Planet
Milton Freidman Missive
as follows: "I'm being
treated quite well, the Mormon Music is a bit stilted but I do have my own planet
to populate just like they promised and I love Mormon Jokes. Wish your were here."
Mormon Posthumous Conversion, Milton Friedman went on to postulate:
the best of all possible worlds choice is the one force that drives the need to
have needs. So many choices -- so many needs, the invisible hand is the best hand
for demanding supply
Alen Greenspan carries on the deception, "Markets
chase fraud like an Ibex in rut, fraud is in the fabric of free markets."
July, 4, 2007 Missive received by:
Tom Friedman from
Milton Friedman, Converted Mormon.
Mormon Posthumous Baptism
of jews is still a source of ire for the Jewish faithful but it seems, according
to The Mormons, it's practice is beneficial for all involved Jews
Mormon Narrator: Mormon Encyclical:
I sat with my arms crossed looking straight ahead blank in focus, I was repeating
along with my brothers and sisters, "I know the Church is true, I know the
Church is true." I had no notion of what I was saying, "I know the Church
is true." I followed on, "I know God is truthful" and we continued,
"Through His literal, begotten son, Jesus Christ, God directs the L.D.S.
Church, and none other, through latter-day prophets." We paused,
true church, claimed by God as His own, must be truthful, or it cannot be the
true church of Jesus Christ."
We went on to witness the revelation; a
thought experiment of sorts.
"The only true church had better be truthful
because God is honest and He is truthful."
Mormons got caught between
Salient differences between LDS Mormons and Mormon Fundies appears in the fault
line between feral piety and domesticated Zealotry.
Keen on Fecundity
The Salient differences between
LDS Mormons and Mormon Fundies appears in the fault line between feral piety and
It's like the Fundaliens had landed and a few humans
sold out to the Fundaliens and beget Mormolians. These Mormolians, more domesticated
than their brethern are like no other species.
They call themselves Mormons
and they walk the planet and do what they do to further earn honors (chits) to
cart off to other constellations, galaxies, hell, nebulae to propagate a personal
strain of Mormon. On this planet deeded to the devotee, religious tradition holds
this to be done with one's Spiritual Partner for one to propagate progeny to worship
you as their creator -- their God (Mormon Fundies get as many wives as they need
to turn this trick) to secure an everafter in the hereafter.
It's a growth industry, it's all about growth, making babies, the mission,
prosperity, making more babies; it's the full leap to faith (NoSpace
Suit Needed) regardless of which Mormon Sect, they are off to worlds beyond with
full faith and credit from Joe Smith himself.
In a perfect universe, Evangelicals
and Mormons would run off together to another planet to do works of wonder and
live to conquer gentiles and save souls alturnatly until they eat eachother up.
Howard Hughes and Richard Nixon found Mormons usful and George Bush carries
on this religious tradition. Willing empty vessels are handy here because Mormons
live for the Great Cosmic Hereafter filled with sprinkles and glitter and fecundity.
Unfortunately, this is not Science Fiction or Scientology, it's Mormonism and
"The Earth is like a rubber ball and will bounce back." Mormons worry
not about the moral hazard of faith. Mormonism is"Health in the navel, marrow
in the bone, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the priesthood
be upon me and upon my posterity through all generation of time and throughout
all eternity forever and ever evermore, pay-lay-ale. O God, hear the words of
my mouth!" forever. Amen.
texts are at present being compiled from the original manuscripts by Hugo
Baltzer. In cooperation with the Mormon Temple and the Joseph Fielding Smith Institute
of Latter-day Saint History texts are retrieved, photocopied and archived for
the preservation of origional intent. The Book of Mormon, BOM is to make more
news once the cipher is deciphered by our inhouse cryptologist, Hugo Baltzer
one can't wait for conclusive texts to be reciphered we recommend:
Ex-Mormon Movement Information
all rights reserved
might Ask GOK?
might ask why pick on the Mormons and that's a fair question.
say because, as a metaphor, it's easy. When shaping a short treaties on self-deception
to model all organized religion why not choose a no brainer . . . GOK